I See You!!!

My precious baby boy, did you know momma was watching you! You looked so peaceful. I prayed over you! I always asked The Lord to watch over you and keep you safe as you slept. I wonder if you know I still see you! I know you are with The Lord and now you and Him are watching over me. I still see you in everything I do. I love you baby boy. 

See you when I get there!

My precious baby boy Bud, mommama loves and misses you so so much! I know you are having an awesome time in Heaven! I just miss your precious face and hugs and holding your beautifully designed hands. I can't believe this was 6 years ago! There are times it feels like an eternity ago and other times it feels like yesterday and i should be able to see you right here with me. I am still here so I know God still has work for me to do so I will continue on. I also know without a doubt I will hold you again!! Praise God my Hope is anchored in The Lord Jesus Christ!! I love you with all my heart baby boy. See you when I get there!!

Grief and Hope

When you love and miss someone who has died you "Grieve".

Your life is forever changed by that grief.

Those that do not understand how you feel may say you need to "move on" or "get over it".

Everyone grieves at their own pace.

This is not something you get over or move on from.

Getting over it is just not an option.

Please be patient,

I am doing my very best.

God is helping me move forward in my new life one breath at a time.

I have some days that are worse than others due to the pain of my broken heart.

But, I do have some days that have fewer tears.

I believe that is better than no days, right?

If I can give some advice,

1. Don't be afraid to mention their name

2. Don't be afraid to make me cry

3. I know they are in a better place, but, I still wish they were here

4. God gave them the life they had

5. We loved the life we had

6. I absolutely know I will see them again

7. We didn't feel like we "Suffered"

8. We found Joy in our life just the way The Lord gave it

9. Treasure every moment

10. My Hope is in The Lord

Triggers, Deal With Them!!!

The triggers come from out of nowhere and take your breath away! Something as simple as opening a window, ugh!! First I can't breathe and then tears flooding down my face! "Lord, please help!" All I was trying to do was open a window! But, suddenly it hit me the window is behind the Christmas tree that I have kept up in the living room since before Bud's last Christmas here with us! I realized that I had not opened the window since the Lisle's brought us that tree in December 2014. It is a pre-lit tree that I kept the lights on every night for Bud to enjoy. I still turn them on every day.  I have come to accept that those triggers are just part of the huge love I have been given being mommama to such a precious blessing from God. You can never prepare yourself for them, you just have to deal with them as they appear!

Trisomy Journey

As I sit and read another Trisomy Miracle has gone to heaven I realize this pain can only be compared to the love The Lord has for us. It is so uncompromising and unconditional. We fight for them from before they are born and even after they take their last breath we fight for their memories. We continue to live only because we have no choice. I know that God still has work for me to do since I am still breathing. I try to keep smiling and living each day to share the love and grace God has shown to me through my life to those I encounter on my journey. I would not change a second of the Trisomy Journey God blessed me with. Children are such a blessing from God. I have always known this, but, having my Trisomy Miracle now in heaven with his three siblings and niece has made me realize even more the treasures God gives us when he blesses us with children no matter what they look or act like on earth. May we all realize the treasures we are to The Lord and help others to realize how valuable All life is!

Easter

When my youngest baby boy Bud went home on Easter weekend 2015, I thought of course! What other weekend would be more perfect. I always knew he was such a perfect example of God's love for us while he was here on earth.

He always showed so much love and compassion for others. 

He never liked to see pictures of himself unless there was someone else in the picture. He always pointed out the other person and was so happy to see them. No matter what a person did, he always loved them and was excited to see them and give them love. 

I felt, as most Mothers would, I had to protect him from harm. I fought for his life from the moment of conception until his final breath and continue to fight for his memory and all the SALOs (Specially Abled Loved Ones) of the world every day. 

As I had been coming up to another Easter I thought it would maybe be easier this year. I made it through last Easter and surely since this Easter was not the actual same date as when he went to heaven, I should be better than the first two Easters right? Well, I was wrong. I knew from that very first Easter without him that God had given me a deeper understanding of what He had done for us by giving His Son for us. I realized this Easter that my connection to The Lord is deepening with every moment I breathe. How can this world not see the sacrifice He made and acknowledge Him in their lives. How can it be reduced to a bunny and an egg. 

My heart aches for my son and aches even more every day for the sacrifice of God's Son for each and every one of us. May we never forget what God gave for us.

One Wish For Bud

I never got to give my son Bud William Hollis Muse a Wish by Make A Wish.  They never considered Bud's condition life-threatening. How I wish I could speak to people to show how many times I fought saying "This is just a supply/medical equipment to you but Getting these supplies/medical equipment means his life!!!!" and never got them!! In the long run it weakened his body and did "Cost him his life!!" If I can help keep even one family from the pain of losing their child it would all be worth it!!