Indescribable Pain

Never in my worst nightmares did i ever believe I would not get to share another birthday on earth with my precious baby boy. For those who didn't get to meet him in person I am sorry. Never before or after him have I met another human being who showed such absolutely unconditional love to every person he met. I truly believe The Lord blessed me as his mother so that I would finally know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved and realize that is what The Lord has for each and every one of us. I would not give up one second of having Bud. I now know the pain Mary had to have felt to let her son go, especially knowing it was to save all of us sinners.

Been Here Before

Here I am sitting in my doctor's office again. My Doctor's office just happens to be in the same office where Bud's Pediatrician is located. Her office is also right across the hallway from Urgent Care, which is where I spent my last few moments with my son alive.
It brings up so many emotions.
It brings up heartache that he is not here with me.
It brings up anger for the fact that everyone involved or spoken to believes it was handled improperly and he should still be here.
It brings up Joy remembering bringing him in here to see his Doctor and no matter what we were here for, he always brought Joy to everybody he came in contact with. Even if it was just eye contact! But, he usually didn't settle for that!
Yes, I  have been here for what seems like a million times, but, my heart knows every time will never ever be like when I was here before with Bud.

Keep Breathing

Sometimes the pain is sooooo intense I don't know how I can possibly take another breath. Then The Lord will breathe into me His breath so I keep breathing. He gives me a thought that will bring Joy to my heart and a smile to my face. Then I take a deep breath and keep breathing.

 

It Just Wasn't Long Enough

It just wasn't long enough. As Bud's mommama I treasured every single moment of his life. I don't believe as long as I live would have been long enough to have him in my life. Through him, God showed me sooooo many things. He showed me how to love like The Lord loves us. He also taught me to live every moment finding the beauty and Joy in it. Although it seems I am not doing very well at that, I am trying. I am looking to The Lord to help me, and carry me when I seem to not be able to keep going.