Never in my worst nightmares did i ever believe I would not get to share another birthday on earth with my precious baby boy. For those who didn't get to meet him in person I am sorry. Never before or after him have I met another human being who showed such absolutely unconditional love to every person he met. I truly believe The Lord blessed me as his mother so that I would finally know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved and realize that is what The Lord has for each and every one of us. I would not give up one second of having Bud. I now know the pain Mary had to have felt to let her son go, especially knowing it was to save all of us sinners.
I was chosen by God to give birth to a "Specially-Abled" Son that was named Bud William Hollis Muse. My life was changed forever. When they did Genetic testing, they told me "He wouldn't live past 2 and if he did, for sure not past 10, would be severely mentally retarded, severely disabled, a burden all his life". Now that he is in heaven I have to continue to live. This is one of my ways to be able to do that. Thanks for reading
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Been Here Before
Here I am sitting in my doctor's office again. My Doctor's office just happens to be in the same office where Bud's Pediatrician is located. Her office is also right across the hallway from Urgent Care, which is where I spent my last few moments with my son alive.
It brings up so many emotions.
It brings up heartache that he is not here with me.
It brings up anger for the fact that everyone involved or spoken to believes it was handled improperly and he should still be here.
It brings up Joy remembering bringing him in here to see his Doctor and no matter what we were here for, he always brought Joy to everybody he came in contact with. Even if it was just eye contact! But, he usually didn't settle for that!
Yes, I have been here for what seems like a million times, but, my heart knows every time will never ever be like when I was here before with Bud.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Sometimes the pain is sooooo intense I don't know how I can possibly take another breath. Then The Lord will breathe into me His breath so I keep breathing. He gives me a thought that will bring Joy to my heart and a smile to my face. Then I take a deep breath and keep breathing.